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The Resurfacing X Factor - KingLove in Depth
Introduction
The Ex. We're not talking graphic videos or the street luge on ESPN2, but something that's bound to cause more arguments, jealousy, late night angst, and the always pleasant sound of a skeleton rattling (clanging?) in the closet. Just about everyone has at least one. That we know. The scary thing is that yours or your partner's may be coming (back?) into your life for a visit.
The King gets a lot of letters similar to these:
Q: Why does my girlfriend stay pals & invite her old ex to visit?
JTC, Laredo, TX
Q: My Boyfriend is jealous & mad about an old ex visiting..
CP, Evansville, IN
The King's decided to answer these questions with more than a little humor. Behind most of these points are insightful truths that you'll benefit from.
Everyone faces the challenge of the Ex at one time or another. Our own Exes may be damaging enough. We're usually diligent in keeping them at arm's length. Good friends even help us keep them away. However, our partner's Exes may have a habit of being overly friendly. They may want to visit.
X Defined
It's important to note that there are two different kinds of Exes. Fortunately, The Ex definition applies to men and women, equally, under god, indivisible. One is a very casual date or two, without the nookie, or lengthy dreams or unrequited desires. That's an "ex", and generally not much to worry about. However, there's something which should be thought of as an "X." An unpleasant X.
Dating duration is the most obvious. However, there is no set time limit. All durations are incriminating, but it's not the deciding factor. Let's get to the bottom line. Anyone you've ever slept with has earned X status. Also, if the X was desperate to sleep with you (even if you didn't do the horizontal cha-cha) they've earned defacto X status. Their status is slightly below mud if they still harbor desires.
X Breakdown
How do we deal with this X showing back up? We want to be adults.. sometimes. The King can help you better understand the Resurfacing X Conflict. Remember, understanding is the first step towards knowing you should be doing the right thing when you fly off the handle.
Let's start by explaining why the X may be reappearing in your sweetheart's life. "Friendship" certainly seems like a stretch. There is no compelling or logical reason. Sorry.
Next, let's break down the specific X Categories and their respective conflict quotients:
First Boyfriend Slept With (High)
First Girlfriend Slept With (Who?)
Childhood Pal Never Slept With (Medium)
College Friend You Never Slept With,
Everyone Else Did (High)
College Friend That Didn't Date, May Be Gay (Low)
Calorically Blessed Alcohol Aided
College Hook Up (Shhh! No!)
Ex You Had Nasty Break-up With
(not First or Last) (Low - why visit?)
- If They've got eBay Stock Options (Medium)
Ex You Had a Great Break-Up With
(not First or Last) (High -why great?)
Last Boyfriend (High - too close)
Others not specifically mentioned (High)
(not fitting in categories is incriminating.)
The First can be dangerous for either sex - particularly women may feel that person was destined. Yes, you'll never forget your first ride on the bicycle of love. Some relationships ended poorly of course, those we usually don't mind. The ones that lose their inertia may be a bit more dangerous. Why didn't they work out? Why do some have a special place in our babe's heart? Heaven forbid they have a special place somewhere else.
Unfortunately, the shared definition is where it ends. In viewing, accepting, and befriending Exes, the sexes have widely divergent views.
MALE'S VIEW OF GIRLFRIEND'S X'S: I don't like him, and I don't have to like him. You can't make me like him. What's to like? I'm glad he goes and sings to the kids at the orphanage every week… but not half as glad as knowing that I'm bigger than him and would kick his ass. Gladly.
FEMALE'S VIEW OF GUY'S X'S: I don't like her, and I don't have to like her. You can't make me like her. What's to like? I'm glad she's fighting for women's rights in third world countries, but not half as glad as knowing that my butt's smaller than hers. The only reason she may be able to kick my butt is because she's a scary freak with huge clown feet.
Did we say widely divergent? Sorry.
Now that we know the general attitudes involved, how can we lessen the damage? Are you prepared to take positive measures to make a resurfacing X a pleasant experience? Are you a bigger and better person? We didn't think so.
Therefore, we prepared the Rules of X Conduct. This is not a twelve step program, but 12 fundamental rules. We've found it's much easier than taking real steps to control your jealousy and underlying insecurity that may plague your otherwise healthy relationship.
Consulting with favorite friends of both sexes helped construct this list that will make your life easier with your sweetheart and the visiting X. Nobody likes to be cut off. Stay within these guidelines, and you're home free to surviving the visit and putting the resurfacing X in a low caste.
Rules of X-Conduct (for partner inviting X to visit):
1. Your X must be given poor directions to complicate arrival.
2. Your X is only allowed to sleep over if I'm in the house at all times. And, we must have great sex when I want during their stay (i.e. my generosity comes with a price).
3. Your X is allowed to stay no longer than a weekend.
4. Your X cannot wear any of my clothes, no matter how poorly they packed for weather conditions in a new city. Freak snowstorms in May are unfortunate. If weather becomes right for swimming and they're not with bathing suit, no swimmin' for them!
5. Your X had better offer to pay their share of meals and entertainment, or we're allowed to make fun of them.
6. Your X does not get a deciding vote. Ever.
7. Your X does not get any vote.
8. Your X can have their own view, but must never challenge my opinion.
9. Your X can be made fun of (without specific reasons).
10. Your X can call a damn taxi - absolutely not driving my ride.
11. Plans to visit Your X must be postponed for at least two years.
12. Your X can be asked point blank - Why are you here!?!
X Wrap-Up
A little Jealousy can be fun. A lot of jealousy can turn ugly fast. A lack of trust is a heck of a lot worse. Keep the X contact to reasonable levels and remember to communicate. Share how you feel with your sweetheart (if they're the ones hosting), and vice versa. Be open and talk. It's OK to ask to be reminded, Why is this person coming to visit? Don't forget that ex is a part of sex, and that X's are generally scrutinized like the new Victoria's Secret catalog.
The King knows you'll put your relationship first. Obviously, you should work towards having great communication in your relationship. Trusting your partner is the foundation for most successful relationships. If the hosting partner is understanding (and particularly if they abide by these rules!), the visit will be a lot more fun for the current sweetheart. And isn't that what it's all about?
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