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Old Boyfriend Booty Calls
Q: Dear KingLove,
One of my close friends lived with a guy for a couple years, until last year. It looked like they were having a great time & very compatible. They're both about thirty. She thought they were on their way to getting married. He wasn't really interested in that. He has some issues about marriage. They both have plenty of other issues (who doesn't?), but their quirks match up well. They drive most other people crazy.
My friend wanted the relationship to start moving toward the next step, and she wanted him to be happier with his professional and personal life. She told him he needed to think about that, or think about hitting the road. He surprised her and hit the road (it may have been a way out). She was shocked and livid. He was embarrassed and felt guilty, but honestly wasn't sure he wanted to be married to her or to anyone. He wants to be friends (huh?).
She has not had an easy year. Dating hasn't been great. She still seems to love him. He's had an easier time adjusting, which pisses her off. She got very angry when she heard he started dating (even though it was almost a full year later).
I hadn't seen her in a while, and we went out for a long planned ladies night recently. She cut out early to arrange a booty call with him! She says it was a very rare thing, and that it's just for the nookie. Cutting out early from Ladies Night to rendezvous with the guy that she's OVER with and has been spending a lot of my time (and everybody else's) bad mouthing for a year!?!
Apparently she's sleeping with him, at least on rare occasions. What advice would you have for her?
D.H., Victoria, BC
A: There's an interesting double standard about how men and women are perceived with their sex lives. For example, it would be easy to say that this guy is taking advantage of your friend, and she is setting herself up to be taken advantage of, because she is allowing him to sleep with her -- asking him, actually -- without any of the previous imperatives she had placed on their relationship. On the other hand, you could also say that she is just using him for sex and then plans on kicking him to the curb when she finally meets Mr. Right Now. And yay her.
Tough call.
If scenario one is true, then you friend is obviously setting herself up for some major disappointment. It seems clear that she still loves him -- and why wouldn't she? She wanted to marry him, after all. But trying to win a guy over with sex is neither original nor particularly effective, especially since this guy is dating again and doesn't sound unhappy with his current situation. He's dating; browsing the future. He's got occasional sex on hand that he can count on, with no sticky questions about commitment -- and if it does come up again, by these new rules that she has drawn up "It's all for the nookie" -- he can bolt as soon as she gets verbal on him. Essentially, what she has done is capitulated her position. She has said that not only is she willing to settle for non-marriage, she's willing to settle for non-committment. Very hard to build up from there.
If scenario two is true -- that she is just using him for convenient sex, well, there are a couple of things in her favor. First of all, it is much safer in general to have a sexual relationship with someone you know isn't an axe murderer or circus geek (not that geeks can't be very nice people.) Secondly, she can build her confidence by easing into a sexual relationship that she can control and feel empowered by, which should help her in her dating situation. If this is the case, then she'll probably be okay. In
fact, if this is the case, she's a playa, and a hero to many.
So which is it? Unfortunately, it sounds like the former over the latter. He's dating again -- he's having sex, and she wasn't. So she has begun fighting the competition, as well as getting him again -- at least for the night. But the bottom line is: He doesn't want to marry her. She is *never* going to win this. Even if they go through all this again, build it back up, become solid again -- say it loud, say it proud: He doesn't want to marry her. Whether he actually doesn't want to marry anyone or just doesn't want to marry her is beside the point. It's not going to happen.
She probably knows this, in some way. It may be that she is using this situation to gain a little control over her emotions about him, regain a modicum of power. If she stops this now, turns around regally and says to him "Eh, you're not doing it for me anymore, but thanks for the use of your schlong," she could probably regain some feeling of control and plus feel like Uber Sex Tiger to boot. But if she lets it continue, and allows herself to get emotionally attached, then she and he and you and all your friends are going to go through all the stuff you went through for the past year.
That is, with one exception. This time, you'll get to say "I told you so."
Best of Luck to Your Friend.
KingLove
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