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How Do I Overcome My Romantic Handicap?
Q: Dear KingLove,
I really need your help, My fifth year anniversay is coming on April 22, and I have to let you know that I'm the most unromantic mate I believe, I really love my wife but I have a hard time showing it to her, I have to be honest sometimes I feel like I treat her like she is not important or a priority in my life but without her I would go crazy, we had problems before where "She left me" because she said I treated her with no respect, I didn't make her feel pretty or important yet she wrote me notes, gave me cards with her personal drawings of very beautiful places, there was one in particular of a little clown hading a flower to me, when I saw it I had the feeling but I normally can acomplish the feeling of romantism or whatever you call it, it's like I can't feel it, I don't know if I need to
be more caring, get into my feminine side, or what?, I really love her and I want to show this to her, I tried buying a ring for her but I feel like the feeling of romantism is just not there, I feel like I can only feel it when she leaves me and can't take it anymore, she says I've been changing and I'm less selfish but I want to be everything to her, I'm not going to lose her again, that's why I'm writing to you because I read some of the advice you've been giving and you look at it from a very smart perspective, tell me what I need to change in me to feel this, and show my true love for her.
E.S., USA
A: Hi Eric -
Thanks for writing in. You do need to consider using the "period" now and then in your sentences, chief. I can tell that your issue is serious. However, you're in a good spot since you truly love your wife, she truly loves you, and you're dedicated to trying to make it work. It's time to try a little harder.
Your problem isn't really one of "feeling" as it is of communication. You love your wife, but you have a hard time showing it. You're just not a grand-romantic-gesture kind of guy. Sure, there are those once in a blue moon guys who write their partners poetry or give little cards, but the majority of the male population sees absolutely nothing wrong with (for example) giving their wife an iron for their wedding anniversary. Because an iron is very
"practical" and you can use it all the time and really, it makes a lot more sense than some stupid little diamond on a chain that she's only going to wear on "special occasions." However, most guys who actually carry this out wind up with a large iron-shaped mark on their forehead. And deservedly so. Here is why:
What you think doesn't matter. You don't feel overwhelmingly, ludicrously, overflowingly romantic? Well, it's a cold grey world out there sometimes; many people don't. Boo hoo. Buy her flowers anyway. Buy her something from KingLove that excites her or that she will think is sexy, surprising and downright fun. So maybe Valentine's Day is a corporate holiday created to make money for the candy and flower people. Again, it doesn't matter what you think: buy her something pretty. She thinks that this kind of stuff is important, so show her respect she deserves and make it important. For your anniversary, you make a reservation at a nice restaurant, put on suit, clean under your fingernails, take her to the restaurant, buy a bottle of champagne, and insist that she order dessert. Then give her the ring or whatever and a nice sappy card that says how much you love her. Maybe all these gestures are a foreign language to you. That is completely beside the point. Men have been bashing their heads against this particular wall since the beginning of time. The important thing is that *she* speaks this language fluently, and if you love her as much as you say you do, it is hardly too much to ask.
Perhaps this seems somewhat deceptive. Perhaps it is. But until you can find a way to communicate your feelings in a way that she understands, you're better off borrowing her language. Marriage is full of compromises, and this is really one of the little ones.
Happy anniversary.
KingLove
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