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Spouse Spends Too Much Time with Others
We have gotten quite a few of these letters lately and thought that these two might help folks out there.
Q: Dear KingLove,
My wife has been going out alot lately. It's been going on now for about 3 months. When I get home from work and wake her up, she'll do all her girly stuff and then she will leave and go over to his house. She is usually there till I get up for work the next day. I have done some things in the past that may have pushed her away, but I have always tried to be the best husband I can. I told her many, many times that she is hurting me, and that I miss her and want her back home. and she will say that she is sorry and that she loves me and that she won't do it anymore. But she still goes back over there. I really believe that she loves me, and I really love her. I miss her. Please help me im so confused, angry, lonely. i just want my wife back. help me
thanks, B.N., USA
A:Thank you for writing. The first and most critical piece of advice is for you to get some marriage counseling. Of course it would be best if your wife were willing to do it with you, but you can start counseling on your own and get the help of your counselor to see if she will join you, if that is a better option for you. No matter what else is recommended in this e-mail, that is the most important advice that can be given.
In addition to counseling you might try planning a special night with her. You do all of the planning... if she is seeking to relive her teen years, then take her out to do the things she loved then, like dinner at a drive-in then some dancing at a bar. You might also try, in addition to that, planning a party event with some friends and possibly include Jimmy. Have a BBQ at your house and enjoy some good times with friends surrounding you. Remind your wife why you got together in the first place.
Dear Kinglove,
I'm a 32 year old married woman with 3 kids who has no answers to why I am still in my marriage. I love my husband and still find him very attractive when I'm not angry with him. The problem is I'm angry all the time. I tell him what's bothering me or why I feel the way I do and all he ever does is ignore me. I feel no love from him at all. I have never lied to him for any reason. However, he has in the past lied to me about a married friend he had an affair with. I can't seem to get over the incident that happened 2 years ago. Now I question everything he does and the friends he chooses, which happen to be mostly women. Friends are all they are he say. But that's what he said in the past.
I believe in family and I have experience what divorce does to the kids. My parents are divorced. I want my marriage to work more than anything. But I try talking to my husband and he doesn't understand or seem to care I feel this way. I'm just talking stupid he said. I have no one to talk to. I have problems with trusting and realize there are some issue I need to work out with myself. He, on the other hand, has never admitted he has a problem. It's always me. He never once said I'm sorry. I would appreciate anything you have to say. Thank you.
T., USA
A:Thank you for writing to KingLove.com. Let me start by saying that we highly encourage and recommend that you seek counseling. It does not sound as though your husband would be interested right now, but it could help you to have someone to talk to and work through your own issues. In time, your husband may be persuaded to join you and help rediscover this marriage. That said, here are some thoughts from KingLove:
Trust is a difficult thing to lose. Go back 2 years ago to the infidelity and look at what put you (both of you) in that situation. Infidelity is not, typically, the problem, it is usually a symptom of a much bigger problem. Your husband's ill behavior and lack of interest in dealing with issues is because the issue(s) are clearly years old, not recent or current. You're trying to deal with the trust and infidelity issue when there is really something much bigger happening.
Perhaps your husband feels less sexy or wanted since the kids. It is not uncommon for couples to strain sexually after children are born. Mother's have a tendency to focus and spend most of their energy on their children and forget to nurture the marriage relationship, too. Relationships are a lot of work and to make them work they must be nurtured. Look at your relationship to see if you have been nurturing your relationship with your husband. Does he feel sexy and wanted by you or are you always tired when you go to bed? Have you stopped leaving him notes about how sexy he is? Do you still kiss and hold each other because you just can't keep your hands off? Do you take time to go out, just the two of you without the kids? Is it a priority to take time just with your husband?
Please, seek professional counseling. Realize that this injury is years old and festering (your husband probably doesn't even remember anymore why he dropped out of the relationship), so it is going to take time to heal and repair. ALL marriages go through difficult times, the ones that last are willing to work it through to the good times. We hope you and your husband can work this out and rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.
We hope this has helped. Good luck and keep on loving!
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