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Tying the Old Scarf in Exciting New Ways
by B. Marshall
Most of my friends are my age, but I keep a few 24-year-olds as pets. We play pool, go out drinking... They travel fairly light, which is nice, but I think what I like best about them is they occasionally try to tease me about my fully-realized adult status - you know, career, husband, futonless apartment. Like I'm missing out on something.
"I don't think I would want to be married when I'm twenty-six," one of these chirped at me, and then capped off with (I swear), "I like dating."
At which point me, my husband, and everyone else within earshot turned around and asked, "Why?"
"Because it's fun," she said, and probably because I was looking at her like I had just stepped on her, added "You're just jealous because I get to guy shop and you're stuck with him every night."
She has a point. I've been married for five years, and let's face it, there's only so many ways you can tie a scarf before you want to go out and buy a new one.
So, I shop. I've found a few rare finds. Like this guy who was applying for a job as my assistant. Just out of college, so very polite, blushed like crazy and swore he couldn't believe this was happening. Or when I was trying to hook up my new VCR and could only get reception on channel 9. I called my new next door neighbor who volunteered to help me figure out what to do with all those cords.
Don't look at me like that. My husband's no different. He once met a woman down by the river wearing a black cashmere overcoat and precious little else who asked him to get her keys from her inside pocket. And then there was the time when he was interviewing for this job... but I told you that one already.
Yeah, now you get it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being bored with the same old. We live in a country where for entertainment purposes we jump off bridges with a string tied around our ankles. If your mind is wandering, it doesn't mean you're immoral, it means you're American. So be an American, and make it up. The only thing we are better at than war and fast food is lies and what's a lie but a good story? If you want someone else, make someone else. Make up a name. Make up an accent. Wear something else. And if you're stuck for ideas, inspiration isn't hard to come by. Threaten to vote your partner off the island. Pick a running mate. Show the X-Men what a real superhero can do. It's surprising what you can do when you're someone else, so get a wig and get in the game. I have a friend who, while on vacation, was sitting on a hotel bathroom in a white bathrobe and remarked to her husband, "This reminds me of that photo of Marilyn Monroe... Theme sex! Go inside!" He went inside. She sat for a minute more, then turned and yelled, "You have to be JFK!"
So I don't rise when my younger, smugger friends dangle their "guy shopping" bait in front of me. They can do whatever they like, because I've found whomever I feel like at the moment, and I'm married to him besides. But if you'll excuse me, Harry Potter is in trouble. Again.
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