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"A Day in Bed"
by B. Marshall
Remember when you were a kid, and your bed was a raft and the floor was full of alligators? Me and whoever was my best friend that week would go down to the kitchen, stock up on cookies and sandwiches, get a broom for a pole and spend all day sailing down the Hudson River to Egypt battling alligators and pirhanas and fighting over who was captain. The great unshakable rule was: you could not touch the floor. Alligators. Very dangerous.
I love stuff like that. I miss it. Nobody, not even my long-suffering husband, ever wants to play. However, you can alter the rules of the game to suit your new grown-up companions and even I have to admit that it becomes a lot more fun. It's the Day in Bed.
The only thing the adult Day in Bed has in common with the early version of the game is the rules. All the games you played as a kid had rules that you innately understood and respected. Remember that, and hold to it. Otherwise, the Day in Bed turns into the Roll in Bed and you can do that any time. So here are the rules of the Day in Bed:
1. You have to stay in bed all day.
2. You can't touch the floor (except to go to the bathroom) because of alligators.
3. All food, drink, entertainment, etc. needs to be in the bed (or tied to a small dingy next to the bed, like a table) before the Day in Bed begins.
4. No phone calls, no text messaging, no emails.
5. No television (unless it's, you know, that kind of television.)
6. No mentioning the fact that when you first started dating you used to do this all the time, and how sad that is.
It's so hard to let go of your responsibilities these days when a Saturday spent not going for a jog, doing all your laundry and a week's shopping, plus going over your personal finances and kicking the ol' soccer ball around with your kids are seen as a moral failing. So, get it all done ahead of time. Better yet, do it tomorrow - I can personally assure you that the world will still be intact if you do. Physically remove all interference from your habitat, especially your kids, if you have them. The Day in Bed can be the Afternoon in Bed, but it has to be long enough so that you need to stretch yourself.
This is going to be a long journey, so get your ship shipshape. Some nice clean sheets. A bottle of champagne, some smoked salmon, strawberries, a copy of the Kama Sutra, some massage oil, soothing music on the stereo - early Ministry or something - some flowers by the bed, and you're ready to sail.
Okay, that was fun. So you've had sex and now it's eleven o'clock and you have something like five hours to go. Anyone who grabs the Sunday Times is kicked off the island. Get a massage. Give a massage. See if reflexology works. Download some erotica and read it out loud. Wash off that sticky flavored oil in the bath together. Shave him. Shave her. Write a Forum letter together. If you admit to boredom you are not trying hard enough and can't have any cookies. Paint her toenails. Blindfold him for an hour and talk about PE ratios - you know what you want to do. This is the day to try out all the things that you had always whispered to each other that you wanted to try but never quite had the time to summon the courage. But you're sailing down the river to unknown territories that are begging for exploration, if not outright colonization. The only thing that you are bound by are the rules of the game, and we all know how much fun binding things are. So bust out the velvet handcuffs and that big pink thing you ordered online. It's a mighty big river. And keep and eye out for alligators.
If you'd like to e-mail Bionic B. Marshall, send a note to her attention.
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