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First Dates: How Men Earn Big Points
Lulu, U.S.A.!
A KingLove.com Excusive. In this first installment from her Dating Guide, The Legendarily Lascivious Lulu provides gentlemen with recommendations for the First Date. Ladies can compare notes on recent maneuvers with Lulu's insightful list of ten First Date do's and don'ts. The fellas that pay attention may just earn valuable points...
One day this winter, I was lounging in my boudoir meditating by candlelight, or perhaps soaking in a bath of rose petals, or one of those things we optimistic single soldettes do on Mondays, and King Love himself called me. He said the state of his kingdom of singles was a sorry one. His soldiers were weary, lonely, cheesy, and basically not getting any. Bad news for the spirit of love and perhaps not enough gigantic orders of fun toys and romantic gifts. The King had heard of my vast experience as a love liaison, consultant, and folklorist, so he enlisted me to share my knowledge with all of you struggling Soldiers of Love.
I'll start at the beginning, at the dreaded first date. Attention male soldiers! If you need some advice from a real love consultant, read carefully. Although we may not all be sports-oriented, most women have a points system in dating. If you want to smooth your way into a woman's heart and/or her boudoir, you will first need to get into her head and earn a few points. Here's how:
1. Beat the Clock. You have a woman's number on a cocktail napkin. Weenies wait two days or a week to call. Winners call the next day. Know that the woman will tell her friends and her mom, "He called already!" Even if she says it as if the guy's over-eager, she is thinking, "Mental note, need new panties." You will earn a point.
2. Call the Shots. Wimpy guys always say, "I dunno. What do you wanna do?" Cool guys say, "How about I pick you up Friday at eight, and we have dinner at Café de L'Amour?" Real men seal the deal, sometimes in more ways than one. You will earn one point for taking the bull by the horns and maybe more for a romantic restaurant suggestion. (hint: restaurants with TVs, fluorescent lights, and waiters with lots of perky buttons are not romantic. Restaurants with soft music, candles, linen napkins, and waiters in bowties with Italian accents are romantic.)
3. Dress for Sex-cess. Remember that women not only take time to primp, but that there is also a good chance they have bought a new outfit if they've been out of the dating loop for a while. You will lose points for slobbishness, dufus Nikes, sweatshirts, untucked shirttails, baseball caps, and gym socks. You will earn points by wearing khakis, a plain, pressed button-down, matching dark socks with brown bucks or loafers, and a matching belt.
4. Cut the Crap. Lose the hair gel and pinkie ring. You will lose points by using more hair care products or wearing more gold than your date. You will earn points simply by being neat, clean-shaven and wearing a respectable watch. If you wear a class ring, it better be from Harvard.
5. Get the Stats. Ask your date questions about her life. Being a self-centered windbag could very well erase all your points. It is also a sure fire way to make your date think, "I spent fifty bucks on lingerie for this?" Get the basic stats. Ask: Where did you grow up? Do you have brothers and sisters? Are you close to them? (Get into her head. Think panties.) Do you like your job? What do you like to do on weekends? How do you feel about mountain biking? And the easiest, fastest question to earn you points: How was your day?
6. Go for the Cherry. Always order dessert. Even if your date has been blabbing about her kickboxing addiction and looks like Ally McBeal, order dessert to share. Whipped cream, cherries, chocolate, think about the kitchen scene in "9 ½ weeks." Dessert is sexy and worth points to adventurous, lovin' women.
7. It Pays to Pay. The rule is simple: if you have asked for the date, you pay. You suggested the restaurant, be the man, and pay the whole bill. Most modern women will make a move toward their wallets. This is only a test! Do not let them dish out one penny, or you could possibly clear the scoreboard. If she is adamant, pushy, and won't take no for an answer, take the cash. She just might be a shooting pain in the butt, and you'll never see her undies anyway.
8. Walk to First Base. Always suggest the après-dinner stroll. Women think walking and talking is romantic. If you suggest it when it's twenty below, you'll earn points for being funny. If she agrees to walk with you in the rain, you have doubled your points, and she wants to rip your clothes off.
9. Don't Ask. Just lean down and kiss her. Pansies ask. Real men lean over and plant one on ya'. Remember that most women struggle with their split vixen-virgin personalities. The vixen wants some guy to grab the back of her hair and go for it. The virgin thinks, geez, it's only our first date. Find a balance between the two, and you're in.
10. Weenie or Winner? The choice is yours. Weenies waffle and wait. Winners call the next day. If you call the next day just to say hi, she'll surf the web for lingerie sites for the rest of the day. Trust me on this one.
Remember the points system, and you will definitely be a luckier love soldier. Keep your eyes on KingLove.com because Lulu your love liaison has much more advice from her library of love to make 2001 a memorable year.
Until next time, be safe, be a winner, earn points, and don't stop believing in love!
Xo, Lulu
If you'd like to e-mail Lulu, send a note to her attention.
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