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Creating Your Own Love Nest
Lulu, U.S.A.
A KingLove.com Excusive. In this second installment from her Dating Guide, The Legendarily Lascivious Lulu provides gentlemen with recommendations for having the bachelor pad that makes women so very glad. Ladies can compare notes about what they agree on with Lulu. Talk about a cozy, intimate space...
You don't know me, but I know you. I have been to your apartment. You are such a guy! How do I know? I know because you will answer "yes" to most of these questions:
- Do you have Pert shampoo or hotel shampoo, green soap, and spicy deodorant in your bathroom?
- Have you had the same comforter and sheets on your bed since college?
- Are any of your towels stolen from hotels?
- Are the leftovers in your refrigerator unsuitable for a dog to eat?
- Are there any boxer shorts or dirty socks on your floor?
- Are there questionable stains on your couch?
- Is there at least one dead plant in full view in your living space?
Yes, I thought so. You are such a guy. And that's okay. Women love guys. We are just more likely to LOVE guys with apartments that don't give us the creeps. Here's the deal: you need a love nest. You need your living space to say, "Cuddle up on my couch, feel warm and fuzzy in my guy space, sleep over." But, you don't want to go overboard. Too much fluff, and your love partner will think you're unmanly. Too many feminine touches, and she'll either think your ex-girlfriend still lives there, or you prefer boys. Go easy. Think simplicity. Think manly, but not Neanderthal. Think comfort, not Martha Stewart. Listen to Lulu, your love liaison:
1. Get yourself a Woman! You need a consultant. Choose your sister, your happy hour pal from work, or your neighbor. Tell her you need a woman's touch decorating your apartment. No warm-blooded female can resist this offer unless you repulse her. Tell your consultant you will buy her lunch if she spends a Saturday with you going shopping. Remember that we women fantasize about fun daytime activities involving walking, talking, shopping, and airing our opinions about how to run your life. Take advantage of it.
2. Don't be a Couch Case. Cover that hideous green couch or that starter futon you bought in college. If you don't cover that pizza stain, that beer stain, that French fry stain, your potential love partner will be thinking nasty thoughts about those nasty spots. Cover that stuff up fast. Couch covers are cheap. Sheets, tapestries, throw pillows, and Mexican blankets are cheap, and they make a couch much more inviting to a woman. Your consultant will have some great ideas for you.
3. Ladies Room, Not Can. If your bathroom is more like a can than a ladies room, your date will be grossed out. Cans have urinals, pubic hairs, and no luxuries. Ladies Rooms have toilet paper with refills within reach, white lotion soap, and hand lotion. In the shower, there should always be white lotion soap, shampoo and conditioner. You don't want to be too frou-frou, or your date will be suspicious. If you have tangerine body gel, a loofa sponge, and tingling toner, your date will either think your ex still lives there, or you chase boys. Don't worry, there's plenty of time to introduce some of the fun bath stuff from KingLove when you get past the remedial stage. For now, equip your rest room like a moderately priced hotel, and you'll pass. Yes, you definitely need new towels.
4. Show Me Your Wares. As irresistible as you would be if you were a gourmet cook, you do't have to be one to be sexy. You do have to come across as a grown up and not a college kid in the kitchen. I know you have a cupboard filled with plastic cups and stolen bar mugs, but you need to do better than that. Real grown up men have four glass drinking glasses, four glass wine glasses, four glass plates, four glass bowls, four glass coffee cups, and enough silver ware that four people could potentially eat dinner at your house without using plastic or sharing forks. Your consultant will happily take over the choice of styles. Just show up with the credit card.
5. Let it Hang Out. If your walls are completely bare, your date will think you are either psycho or completely lacking in creativity. Hang a cool framed poster, the best photographs you've ever taken, pictures of your family, or a map of the world. The only official LOVE NEST FOUL is hanging pictures of ex-girlfriends or wives on your walls. Even if the snapshot is a prizewinner, hide it. No woman wants to look into the eyes of someone you've slept with, ever. Even if the ex is your best friend, and it's been twenty years since your last frolic, forget it. Hang a mirror. Hang deer antlers. Hang your rugby trophy, but never hang out your exes for display. (Why? Women know the truth. If you have an ex' smiling face on your wall, it means you are sleeping with her, you wish you were sleeping with her, or you'll try your best to sleep with her as soon as you can. Deal with it, and hide the pictures.)
6. Hamper? I hardly know her! Women may giggle when they see your skivvies, your sweat socks, and your entire wardrobe strewn across your room, but trust me, past a certain age, say twenty-three, they do not find it cute. They are laughing at you. They are grinning and bearing it, but they do not think you're a real contender if you live like a college kid. Buy a clothes hamper. If you have no room for it, keep it in your closet. Make sure to cram all your clothes in it before your date arrives. (Don't forget the boxers next to the toilet.)
7. Down, Not Dirty Bed. The bed is the heart of the love nest. Nothing is a greater turn-off than sleeping in a bed with scruffy blankets and lame, flat pillows that smell like dirty hair and sweat. Flip your mattress, buy a new mattress pad, buy two sets of white flannel sheets so that you'll always have a clean spare set, at least two sturdy down pillows, one down comforter with a cover of your consultant's choice, and that's it. Put one small votive candle in a glass holder next to your bed (or be in the big leagues and get a delicious KingLove candle) with a pack of matches. Follow this advice, and your bed will seem to say, "come hither, sweet flower."
8. P-U-R-R. Atmosphere. Make sure the lights aren't too bright. Always have candles, matches, and three slow dance CDs on hand (another plug for KingLove). Frank Sinatra, Harry Connick, Jr., Lou Rawls. Go to the record store and find a female salesperson. Ask her for the best three slow dance CDs she knows of, and you'll make her day. (If you hate slow dancing, get over it. Every woman dreams of a man who will look at her longingly over candlelight and say, "would you dance with me?" If you really want to know what gets a woman purring and thinking about your downy bed, try the slow dance thing. Be the master of the love nest.)
9. Breakfast in Bed? I know you're a guy, and if you're not much of a cook, your fridge is in a sorry state. A few beers, greasy boxes with green stuff, sour milk. Try to clean out anything that smells and/or grows. Think ahead. If your date sleeps over, which is, of course, the goal, make sure there is some sort of nourishment available in the fridge. You don't have to whip up eggs benedict, but a bagel and a glass of orange juice aren't too much to ask for after a long night, particularly if you would like another rendezvous with your new nest mate.
10. Talk Dirty. Keep your love nest clean. Either learn how to clean or hire a cleaning service. 'Nuff said.
And no, you don't need to have plants in your living room, but one live plant is a nice touch and gives you an extra credit point. Creating an adequate love nest should only take you one day with your female consultant of choice. If you happen to have a crush on her, and you follow her advice on comforter covers, shampoo and hand lotion brands, and dish patterns, you have just improved your chances. Until next time, stock the ladies room, prepare the come-hither bedroom, light a few candles, and don't stop believing in love!
Xo, Lulu
If you'd like to e-mail Lulu, send a note to her attention.
If you're looking for some favorites...
Click here for Favorite Gifts for Him
Click here for Favorite Gifts for Her
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